20 Symptoms of a Movie Addict

Fear not, here are 20 symptoms to look for:

1.      YOU LOVE MOVIE LISTS
 
For those truly stricken with the movie madness, you will certainly nod to 
the  ideal that there is no such thing as 'too much movies'.  To that, enter 
the somewhat obsessive, often compulsive pastime of many addicts; 
creating perfunctory lists of movies, actors, directors, quotes, goofs, 
trivia, all the movies you've ever seen, all the movies you want to see, 
movies by year, movies by genre, from lists sporting the highest ilk 
of cinema to lists smeared with the wretched tailings of Hollywood’s 
backside.  And all for and end that will never come; and you love it.
 
 
2.      YOU LET YOUR TRUE EMOTIONS OUT
 
Attempting to restrain your true feelings of a film is certainly a clear 
mark of someone not a movie addict.  If you feel sad, you cry even
 if your girlfriend gives you that disgusted cock-eyed grimace, you
 laugh even if you're the cricket in the field (of course this is certainly 
due to the fact that you are oh so cultured, unlike the ambient swine 
wolfing down their disaster movies and Freddy Got Fingered(s)), 
you cower despite the mocking of your buffoonish friends, and so 
forth.  By altering your natural responses based on the crowd, you 
cheat only yourself. 
 
 
3.      YOU HAVE MOVIES STILL IN THE WRAPPING
 
Another clear indication that you drink in too much of the filmohol i
s that you buy movies on a whim for no reason other then you could 
cover it with the change you had in your pocket.  And these films 
will never see the hypnotic laser of your blue-ray player, no; it will 
join its well-loved brothers on your sagging DVD rack forever 
sealed in its glossy plastic tomb.
 
 
4.      YOU CAN SPOUT OFF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES 
ON A WHIM
 
If movies are the drug then talking about them is the high, for 
there is no question a movie addict drools more quickly to then 
“so, what your favourite movie?”  Like a drunken technician 
at the control panel of a dam your flood of movie-savvy bursts 
forth as you systematically spout off your 347 favourite flicks 
to a person you will never speak to again...likely due to the 
forthcoming retraining order...
 
 
5.      YOU HAVE SEEN AT LEAST ONE MOVIE 
NOBODY ELSE HAS HEARD OF
 
Ahhh yes...nothing is a bigger buzz kill then the enthusiastic...
"Oh my god, have you seen ____???!?!"  *Cue blank stares*
But fear not movie addicts as this can be your own little secret, 
your secret movie love child, who one day you can bring over 
to your friends house and proclaim..."Look what IIII gottttt!!" 
and burn the retinas and melt the brains of everyone there with 
the sheer awesomeness of your secret find.
 
6.      YOU BUY INSTEAD OF DOWNLOAD
 
Bonafide movie addicts know the merit of a solid DVD 
collection; I mean, how else will everyone know what a 
freak you are?  People who only download do so only to 
parade around their needlessly large hard-drive.  
But addicts need the tactile feeling of popping open 
that case, need to see their own delirious expression in 
the glare off the plastic coating and need to experience 
the cool, commanding feeling of a remote control in their hand.
 
 
7.      YOU ALWAYS FINISH A MOVIE YOU START; 
no matter how long, horrendous or boring
 
Nothing irks a cinema junkie more those who wont finish a 
movie.  To us, its like leaving during the appetizer of a 12 
course meal.  There are always chances for the next scene to 
be better then that which preceded it and the same goes 
vice versa.  There are more then enough movies that 
cataclysmically implode in their final act, so touting them as 
masterpieces half way through is foolish.  You HAVE to 
brave through and while you may never be able to get rid 
of the wretched aftertaste of tainted film from your 
mouth, at least you can warn others about it.
 
 
8.      YOUR LIFE IS A MOVIE
 
Even a blind deaf Amish person spouts the occasional 
movie quote.  It's unavoidable.  Film is so engrained into 
popular culture that even the deftest person can miss 
that a common phrase or quip originated in the movies.  
But it takes a true doped up addict to pull out the 
obscurely bizarre quotes and insert them into every 
day conversation...and you smirk as you think about 
how it went over everyone's heads and chuckle at your 
cleverness; you and all your movie loving brethren.
 
 
9.      YOU HAVE A WAD OF MOVIE STUBS AS 
THICK AS A PHONE BOOK
 
Prancing home, fresh from a Friday night screening you 
launch yourself down the stairs to your room.  The doorframe 
stresses as you launch yourself around the corner and slide 
to your knees at the side of your bed and delicately slide out 
'the shoebox'. Daintily, you lift the lid like it’s the Arc of the 
Covenant and you gaze upon, with glossy eyes, the faded 
reminders of the thousands of dollars you blew at the theatres.
 
 
10.  YOU CAN STAND IN A MOVIE STORE FOR HOURS
 
Of all windfalls of gathering with fellow film junkies, the hammer 
drops when you venture to the local video store to procure a 
Friday night flick.  Gazing at the kaleidoscope of colours peppering 
the lofty rack before you, your eyes drift from case to case, 
the memory of each flicking through your mind like a channel 
changer gone haywire.  *One hour later* Unfortunately
 nostalgia and lack of a proper social life hinder the quest, as 
despite the best efforts of all those present...you cannot pick 
a damn movie.  Then like a whisper at the end of a tunnel, 
a voice, slowly growing louder as the wisest of the group 
mumbles..."So, what, like you jus wanna get Bad Boys II?"
 
 
11.  YOU’RE A MOVIE FILTER
 
Part of your sworn duty as an addict is to serve as the human 
shield for the barrage of heinous movies that blitz society each 
year.  No more innocents need be harmed by the surge of 
spoofs, the ravages of rom-coms and the barrage of brainless 
and below-par blockbusters.  In an addicts’ never ending quest 
to get their next fix we are unfortunately subjected to the scum 
along with the gold.  And with that selfless act we both clear 
the record on those movies that got a bad rap, and stop others 
from taking the plunge.
 
 
12.  MOVIE POSTERS ARE YOUR WALLPAPER
 
This next symptom has various degrees of intensity.  Everyone 
who has been puffing the movijuana has at some point in 
their life had a movie poster.  That poster might as well be 
structurally integral to the wall, as it is never to be moved.  
Certain instances however, see a slow accumulation of movie 
posters until the room is just a glorious cave of tacky taglines 
and glowering Bruce Willis'. 
 
 
13.  YOU HAVE AN OVERFLOW DVD RACK
 
Nothing puts an incredulous stare on someone’s face more 
then after showing someone your movie collection to then 
skirt around the corner to show them your second collection. 
(Alphabetized of course)
 
 
14.  YOU NEVER FEEL LAME WATCHING MOVIES 
ALONE
 
The great thing about movies is they can be enjoyed en masse 
or sporadically, for thrills or for relaxation and with friends or my 
ones lonesome.  A true addict can appreciate the film as a film 
and not need validation from others to feel fulfilled.
 
 
15.  YOU HAVE SEEN A MOVIE AT LEAST 10 TIMES
 
(10 is a general rule) and everyone has that movie...the one 
with the dings and scratches, the one with the cracked case, the 
one that may still be lying on the table, the one that makes 
your DVD player moan in annoyance when you put it 
in...the one that essentially embodies everything you love about 
the movies.
 
 
16.  YOU NEVER BOYCOTT AN ENTIRE GENRE
 
Saying you don’t like an entire genre of movie is like saying 
you don’t like one of your fingers just because you poked 
yourself in the eye once.  A bad experience should never 
turn you off the whole, and this is something a true movie 
addict is never guilty of.  Now, this symptom does have a 
certain amount of give as some people cant handle gore, 
others hate being scared and others have nostalgia issues, and 
while that may limit a genre...there is always that exception, 
that one movie you will love, and you wont find it if you stop looking.
 
 
17.  YOU LOVE MOVIE TRAILERS
 
Nothing gets a movie addict pumped up like a rousing trailer; r
upturing your ear drums and squeezing into your temples...it’s 
like prepping the tunicate for the first inebriating injection.  
 
 
18.  YOU LOVE SILENT, FORIEGN AND BLACK 
AND WHITE FILMS JUST AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER
 
With the age of DVD's and the splurge of re-makes, re-inventions, 
re-boots, re-imaginings...a.k.a. re-pugnant, re-volting re-pellant 
and re-vulsive, people today either don’t get the chance to see 
the black and white, silent and timeless classics of Hollywood-old, 
or maybe they're just ignorant and have the attention span of 
Dennis the Menace huffing reefer.  We movie addicts both respect 
the new age of cinema but always leave a slice of time for the 
classics that made film what it is today.  Plus Chaplain is hilarious.
 
 
19.  YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 
A BAD MOVIE AND A 'BAD' MOVIE AND A BAD 
MOVIE AND A MOVIE YOU DIDN’T LIKE
 
After a period of addiction, after the late nights, the 
Redbull’s, Friday the 13th marathons and extended versions 
of Lord of the Rings every addict reaches a period of clarity.  
A period...an epitome...of how everything works and why 
everything is what it is.  Suddenly you know why Rob Schneider 
movies are so awful and why Godzilla vs. Mecha-Godzilla is so 
bad its good, why everyone loves the Shawshank Redemption and 
when you learn to hate people who can’t distinguish between the 
fact they 'hate' Battlefield Earth but just didn’t 'get' The Godfather.  
 
Nails on a chalkboard = the following
"___*insert best picture winner here*____is the worst film I have ever seen."
 
 
20.  YOU WILL DEFEND A MOVIE YOU LOVE TO 
THE DEATH
 
Period.





Thanks for reading!