1. YOU LOVE MOVIE LISTS
For those truly stricken with the movie madness, you will certainly nod tothe ideal that there is no such thing as 'too much movies'. To that, enterthe somewhat obsessive, often compulsive pastime of many addicts;creating perfunctory lists of movies, actors, directors, quotes, goofs,trivia, all the movies you've ever seen, all the movies you want to see,movies by year, movies by genre, from lists sporting the highest ilkof cinema to lists smeared with the wretched tailings of Hollywood’sbackside. And all for and end that will never come; and you love it.
2. YOU LET YOUR TRUE EMOTIONS OUT
Attempting to restrain your true feelings of a film is certainly a clearmark of someone not a movie addict. If you feel sad, you cry evenif your girlfriend gives you that disgusted cock-eyed grimace, youlaugh even if you're the cricket in the field (of course this is certainlydue to the fact that you are oh so cultured, unlike the ambient swinewolfing down their disaster movies and Freddy Got Fingered(s)),you cower despite the mocking of your buffoonish friends, and soforth. By altering your natural responses based on the crowd, youcheat only yourself.
3. YOU HAVE MOVIES STILL IN THE WRAPPING
Another clear indication that you drink in too much of the filmohol is that you buy movies on a whim for no reason other then you couldcover it with the change you had in your pocket. And these filmswill never see the hypnotic laser of your blue-ray player, no; it willjoin its well-loved brothers on your sagging DVD rack foreversealed in its glossy plastic tomb.
4. YOU CAN SPOUT OFF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIESON A WHIM
If movies are the drug then talking about them is the high, forthere is no question a movie addict drools more quickly to then“so, what your favourite movie?” Like a drunken technicianat the control panel of a dam your flood of movie-savvy burstsforth as you systematically spout off your 347 favourite flicksto a person you will never speak to again...likely due to theforthcoming retraining order...
5. YOU HAVE SEEN AT LEAST ONE MOVIENOBODY ELSE HAS HEARD OF
Ahhh yes...nothing is a bigger buzz kill then the enthusiastic..."Oh my god, have you seen ____???!?!" *Cue blank stares*But fear not movie addicts as this can be your own little secret,your secret movie love child, who one day you can bring overto your friends house and proclaim..."Look what IIII gottttt!!"and burn the retinas and melt the brains of everyone there withthe sheer awesomeness of your secret find.6. YOU BUY INSTEAD OF DOWNLOAD
Bonafide movie addicts know the merit of a solid DVDcollection; I mean, how else will everyone know what afreak you are? People who only download do so only toparade around their needlessly large hard-drive.But addicts need the tactile feeling of popping openthat case, need to see their own delirious expression inthe glare off the plastic coating and need to experiencethe cool, commanding feeling of a remote control in their hand.
7. YOU ALWAYS FINISH A MOVIE YOU START;no matter how long, horrendous or boring
Nothing irks a cinema junkie more those who wont finish amovie. To us, its like leaving during the appetizer of a 12course meal. There are always chances for the next scene tobe better then that which preceded it and the same goesvice versa. There are more then enough movies thatcataclysmically implode in their final act, so touting them asmasterpieces half way through is foolish. You HAVE tobrave through and while you may never be able to get ridof the wretched aftertaste of tainted film from yourmouth, at least you can warn others about it.
8. YOUR LIFE IS A MOVIE
Even a blind deaf Amish person spouts the occasionalmovie quote. It's unavoidable. Film is so engrained intopopular culture that even the deftest person can missthat a common phrase or quip originated in the movies.But it takes a true doped up addict to pull out theobscurely bizarre quotes and insert them into everyday conversation...and you smirk as you think abouthow it went over everyone's heads and chuckle at yourcleverness; you and all your movie loving brethren.
9. YOU HAVE A WAD OF MOVIE STUBS ASTHICK AS A PHONE BOOK
Prancing home, fresh from a Friday night screening youlaunch yourself down the stairs to your room. The doorframestresses as you launch yourself around the corner and slideto your knees at the side of your bed and delicately slide out'the shoebox'. Daintily, you lift the lid like it’s the Arc of theCovenant and you gaze upon, with glossy eyes, the fadedreminders of the thousands of dollars you blew at the theatres.
10. YOU CAN STAND IN A MOVIE STORE FOR HOURS
Of all windfalls of gathering with fellow film junkies, the hammerdrops when you venture to the local video store to procure aFriday night flick. Gazing at the kaleidoscope of colours pepperingthe lofty rack before you, your eyes drift from case to case,the memory of each flicking through your mind like a channelchanger gone haywire. *One hour later* Unfortunatelynostalgia and lack of a proper social life hinder the quest, asdespite the best efforts of all those present...you cannot picka damn movie. Then like a whisper at the end of a tunnel,a voice, slowly growing louder as the wisest of the groupmumbles..."So, what, like you jus wanna get Bad Boys II?"
11. YOU’RE A MOVIE FILTER
Part of your sworn duty as an addict is to serve as the humanshield for the barrage of heinous movies that blitz society eachyear. No more innocents need be harmed by the surge ofspoofs, the ravages of rom-coms and the barrage of brainlessand below-par blockbusters. In an addicts’ never ending questto get their next fix we are unfortunately subjected to the scumalong with the gold. And with that selfless act we both clearthe record on those movies that got a bad rap, and stop othersfrom taking the plunge.
12. MOVIE POSTERS ARE YOUR WALLPAPER
This next symptom has various degrees of intensity. Everyonewho has been puffing the movijuana has at some point intheir life had a movie poster. That poster might as well bestructurally integral to the wall, as it is never to be moved.Certain instances however, see a slow accumulation of movieposters until the room is just a glorious cave of tacky taglinesand glowering Bruce Willis'.
13. YOU HAVE AN OVERFLOW DVD RACK
Nothing puts an incredulous stare on someone’s face morethen after showing someone your movie collection to thenskirt around the corner to show them your second collection.(Alphabetized of course)
14. YOU NEVER FEEL LAME WATCHING MOVIESALONE
The great thing about movies is they can be enjoyed en masseor sporadically, for thrills or for relaxation and with friends or myones lonesome. A true addict can appreciate the film as a filmand not need validation from others to feel fulfilled.
15. YOU HAVE SEEN A MOVIE AT LEAST 10 TIMES
(10 is a general rule) and everyone has that movie...the onewith the dings and scratches, the one with the cracked case, theone that may still be lying on the table, the one that makesyour DVD player moan in annoyance when you put itin...the one that essentially embodies everything you love aboutthe movies.
16. YOU NEVER BOYCOTT AN ENTIRE GENRE
Saying you don’t like an entire genre of movie is like sayingyou don’t like one of your fingers just because you pokedyourself in the eye once. A bad experience should neverturn you off the whole, and this is something a true movieaddict is never guilty of. Now, this symptom does have acertain amount of give as some people cant handle gore,others hate being scared and others have nostalgia issues, andwhile that may limit a genre...there is always that exception,that one movie you will love, and you wont find it if you stop looking.
17. YOU LOVE MOVIE TRAILERS
Nothing gets a movie addict pumped up like a rousing trailer; rupturing your ear drums and squeezing into your temples...it’slike prepping the tunicate for the first inebriating injection.
18. YOU LOVE SILENT, FORIEGN AND BLACKAND WHITE FILMS JUST AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER
With the age of DVD's and the splurge of re-makes, re-inventions,re-boots, re-imaginings...a.k.a. re-pugnant, re-volting re-pellantand re-vulsive, people today either don’t get the chance to seethe black and white, silent and timeless classics of Hollywood-old,or maybe they're just ignorant and have the attention span ofDennis the Menace huffing reefer. We movie addicts both respectthe new age of cinema but always leave a slice of time for theclassics that made film what it is today. Plus Chaplain is hilarious.
19. YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENA BAD MOVIE AND A 'BAD' MOVIE AND A BADMOVIE AND A MOVIE YOU DIDN’T LIKE
After a period of addiction, after the late nights, theRedbull’s, Friday the 13th marathons and extended versionsof Lord of the Rings every addict reaches a period of clarity.A period...an epitome...of how everything works and whyeverything is what it is. Suddenly you know why Rob Schneidermovies are so awful and why Godzilla vs. Mecha-Godzilla is sobad its good, why everyone loves the Shawshank Redemption andwhen you learn to hate people who can’t distinguish between thefact they 'hate' Battlefield Earth but just didn’t 'get' The Godfather.
Nails on a chalkboard = the following"___*insert best picture winner here*____is the worst film I have ever seen."
20. YOU WILL DEFEND A MOVIE YOU LOVE TOTHE DEATH
Period.Thanks for reading!